duduk...tinggi...jauh

Kadang2 aku duduk di tepi verandah…. Kadang2 aku berdiri…. Entah apa aku lakukan, aku pn tidak mengerti…. Aku duduk sambil merenung jauh ke seberang pulau… aku melihat hujung hiperbola of the earth… entah dimana penamatnya… kadang2 aku berdiri, melihat benda yang sama… tapi tidak pernah ku puas dengannya… aku menonton keluasan alam di sekeliling bangunan tempat tinggal sementara ku… tp tidak pernah kutahu jawapan untuk pencarianku… aku melihat kenderaan yg bagaikan smut… bergerak ke sana dan ke sini…. Tidak pernah berhenti…. Hari ini.. aku bagaikan si tua yg murung dalam pencariannya… aku merenung jauh di verandah tempat selalu ku hadir itu…. Aku melihat…. Tapi Allah Maha Melihat…. Ya Allah….

selalu begitu...

sygnya aku pd ibuku.. familyku... setiap subuh ku dengar sahutan azan, tp tidak juga ku terus mengerjakan solat subuh... tp ibuku laen pula halnya... dia terus bangun, berlari-lari mgejut aku dan adik2 menunaikn solat. mungkin aku merindui suasana itu, di NZ, sungguh la ssh ak ingin terkejut waktu subuh... ya Allah... kadang2 aku bermimpi, ibuku sedang menggerakkan badanku... lalu aku terkejut pagi..... kadang2 aku bermimpi hal keluargaku,,, ya Allah.... sesungguhnya mahalah Besar kuasa Mu... ya Allah, aku seringkali berasa takut... di rumah, ibuku selalu menyuruhku menjadi driver ke mana shj dipinta setelah selesai urusan sekolahnya... dye kerap mengambil cuti semata-mata ingin berdamping dgnku sementara masa masih ade... walaubagaimanapun, kursus after kursus dijadualkan kepadanya. walaupun banyak cuti diambil, tp bagiku, tiada bezanya.......5 minggu di Terengganu... ya Allah,.... tidak lah aku sempat mluangkan mase agak lame dgn ibuku itu... syukurku kpdMU Ya Allah kerana smpat berbual dgn ibuku di waktu aku menjadi drivernya ya Allah..... pernah skali dye mengurut belakangku yg sakit ya Allah... aku mnghidapi sakit urat daging... that was the first time aku merasai urutan ibuku all this while... ya Allah.... ibuku sgt khuatir akan kehidupanku di NZ. selalu begitu... entah sakit aper pulak menantiku,... ya Allah... "selalu adikku menyuruhku menemaninya mandi.. aku tetap pergi... kerana aku tahu masaku di Terengganu kian suntuk... aku merinduinya ya Allahurabbi... ada org berkata, sorg remaja lebih rapat dgn kwnnya berbanding adik2nya... tapi sebaliknya berlaku pada diriku... jarang aku kluar dgn kwn2 kerana aku lebih suka bergaul dgn adik2ku ya Allah... tatkala aku kluar dgn rakanku dulu... aku tahu tahu ibuku sedih kerana masa telah suntuk... aku tahu itu ya ALLAH... ibuku ingin benar berada dekat dgnku senantiasa... ya Allah,,, Dgn sebab sedihnya ibuku itu kerana aku kluar dengan rakanku, aku tidak lagi berbuat demikian... aku semakin menjadi syg kpd ibuku itu... ya Allah...

5 minggu di Terengganu...resah dan pilu... tiada di sisiku lagi...ibu dan adik2ku

ya Allah,,, i felt very very sad... ya Rohman... ya Rohim... hatiku sedih sgt1000... seriuosly, aku x sedar that i'd already reached Auckland airport yesterday.... ehh, pelik... seriously, after i reached New Zealand barulah tersedar xde adik kecilku di sebelah kananku... and emakku di sebelah kiriku.... ya Allah...... ya Karimmm...... sangatlah sedih hatiku.... ya Allah... maybe aku sgt rapat dgn adik kecilku Muhammad Hilmi(darjah 3 thn ni)... mmg pn!!!!! mmg aku rapat dgn dye... ya Allah,,,, rapat yg bersangatan rapatnya.... ya Hayyu ya Qoyyum... setiap hari even setiap jam aku bergurau senda bermain dgn nye... ak memanggil namenyer dan dye membalasnye... sudah menjadi routine... tapi kali ni it was soooo different.... aku menjadi begitu sayang padanya... ya Allah... dye mengajakku ke masjid....aper??? adik kecil darjah 3 mngajak abgnyer yg hampir 21 tahun ke masjid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... setiap malam kami ker masjid... selalu jer aku berdamping dgnnyer... ya Allah,,,, what a good boy!!!!!!! ya Allah... emakku sibuk sgt3 dgn hal sekolahnyer membuatkan aku sukar untuk mluangkan mase dgnnyer . aku tunggu dan tunggu....tunggu n tunggu n tunggu... dan tunggu lg... hinggala ke saat terakhir aku di Malaysia for the year 2009... .... dengan sbb sibuk sgt ibuku itu, sgt la perit rasenyer.... dan dengan sbb selalu kluar bergurau senda bermain dan rapat yg bersangatan dgn adikku Hilmi, aku to be honest, kerap mngalirkan air mata di sini hinggalah ke saat aku menaip blog(post) ini dan mungkin berlanjutan... di Malaysia... Terengganu.... Kuala Terengganu.... Kampung Atas Tol.... di rumahku, suasana gelak riang..ketawa... ejekan masih ku rasai... aku x pernah tidak membalas sahutan adik aku Hilmi yg selalu menyuruhku membuat minuman untuknya... ya Allah... tapi di NZ, suasananya sunyi sepi... no childs to befriend... di rumahku, aku berasa selesa sgt2 dgn jeritan, teriakan adik2ku.... ya Allah.... aku memohon padaMu... sempatkanlah diriku untuk bertemu kembali dgn keluargaku... ya Allah,... ibuku sgt memerlukanku... ssesungguhnya dia keseorangan.. Engkaau tabahkan lah hatinya... aku melihat ibuku menangis ketika dia keseorangan.... di rumah di airport... tatkala aku menelefon ibuku atau ibuku menelefonku, ibuku seringkali berckp cepat2... dgn sbb itu, aku tahu ibuku x sanggup lagi berbual dgnku.. kerana dye sedang mengalirkan air matanya mengenangku di sini... perbualan kami seringkali menjadi sekejap sahaja... ibuku sedang menangis...ya Allah.... ssungguhnya aku tahu itu... mungkin dulu kerap aku menolongnya... malah selalu berdamping dgnnya... dan ibuku mengingatinya...ak menelefonnya, smlm... tetap begitu,,, dye slalu menangis walaupun tidak ku dengar tangisannya di mobile ku... aku tahu itu... mungkin sbb, aku salah seorg yg memahami keadaannya,.. kepada ibuku, Shamsiah binti Mohd Radzi,. aku sgt menyayangi mu....rindunya aku kpd ibuku n adik2ku hanya Allah yang tahu... dulu di Terengganu... aku kerap mendengar azan apabila masuk waktu solat fardhu... dgn itu, aku teringat Hilmi adik bongsuku... dia dah solat ke belum? aku mnunggu ajakannya ke masjid.... aku bimbang di sini(NZ)...aku bimbang tatkala aku terdengar azan di surau NZ... ak khuatir air mataku mengalir terus... sudah tiada lagi adikku di sebelah kananku berjemaah bersamaku untuk tempoh ini...mok(ibu)!!!!!!!!!!!! adik!!!!!!!!!!!!...x tahu la bila boleh jumper lg... Wallahua'lam...

it has been toooooo long I never hang out with old friends,… 35 of us… we gathered back as a group-family so called… nothing changed actually…. All are with their old styles and ways… like usual… its common thing! no strangeness at all,,,just a bit(if any)..but I did not acknowledge that…

With what happened yesterday, a bit surprise to me…. A great surprise indeed that I have not been expecting it at all…the Phillip Island!!!!!!… good job, peers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... but, one thing for sure, it embrassed me a lot in some ways… one truly friend said “bukan senang nak jumper kt cni, this’s the time…. so use it as much as you can…”… and that’s true!!!!!!!!!!!!!...he’s(and all) are true friends… they are all appreciating the presence of New Zealand comers…
We went to an Island!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What!!!!!!!!!!!????????? I did not expect that….!!!!!!huhuhuhu.and that embrassed me a lot. My heart whispered…klu aku tahu, diorg akan bwk g jalan2 jauh2, I will definitely not be transiting in Melbourne in 5 days..huhuhuhuhuhu… in fact, if I knew quite earlier, my flight to Melbourne won’t be 19th…….hhhhuuuuuuuuuuu. some say(in fact all),”so, what are friends for?kalu bukan untuk menolong antara satu sama lain” huhuuuuu …………. And once again, it embrassed me…bcoz diriku masih tidak mengerti the word “friendship”!!!!!!!... what’s is it meant,guys? just examining all of your behaviours(in fact,I had been examining for quite a long time as we were in UNITEN), you’ve all got what’s the meaning of it…… unfortunately, I have not been in that group until today(I felt)… unluckily, I am still finding….. a search that would never comes to an end I supposed…

Maybe that was one reason which drove me to travel… but… perjalanan hati x sama dgn perjalanan physical( merentasi sempadan antara negeri)… It never solved “that”… but I tried to make it having no different between them… trying and trying…like a ‘crazy’ dude…

the truth...

I’ve reached Melbourne yesterday… Alhamdulillah… meeting some old friends… having talk to them were the most happinest thing in my life I supposed… but not too much… but at least we talk and keep recalling some old experience in the old institution we’ve attended… it is quite nice… very nice indeed. Once we had a lunch at one Indian restaurant. However, I expect nothing happened and changed, but as we resumed our talk and chatting, everything did have. But I did not understand why there must exist a “disagreement” in one case which is supposed not to be… you all should not condemn her,if any,… you should not say bad things on her(or them) and you should not say that she has “buang tabiat”… you should not say she is doing wrong things because we are not used to “it” to be like what she has been doing… you should not say she has been “sesat” just because she acted quite differently(not like before)…
ACTUALLY, you “all” are not been shown by Allah the truth and has not been chosen(at the moment) as the one who gets the hidayah Allah… but she(or them) is the true one… she just followed what Prophet Muhammad SAW and Ulama’ told and “berpesan-pesan” regarding the ”issue”… I think she once went to Sek. Men. Keb. Agama…or…Sek.Men. Agama that she knew what she formerly did was obviously wrong and she kept doing the wrongdoings which were against the Allah and Rasul’ telling without realizing what she was doing was right or wrong at the time,…….that is she might just ignore…. Or maybe she took the “issue” so so so so easily without realizing it is a sin(though small)… Or…. She might not attend any religious schools and she just knew it from Usrah held weekly(or monthly). Nevertheless, I admired her so much with her acts and from stories I ‘ve heard,……., we often think that such a “buang tabiat” thing pictured the bad things happened(or would be happening)…. But one thing for sure, she is not like an “inactive” girl at all…. She did active somehow,…
once you’ve shown by Allah the right path, there would be nothing you should be worrying about….. as Allah has been knowing… He knew what best suit you and this is it…. Just keep on doing good behaviors… manners which are not contradicting the Rasuls’telling….. At least kamu sudah Berjaya mengurangkan dosa-dosa(though small), better than those yang masih tidak menyedari yg mana satu betol and yg mane satu salah… and for you, just be patient and perseverant. INNALLAHAMA’SSOBIRIN…Wallahua’lam

recall... frenz.

sometimes, i remembered.... i remembered how bad i was while being in UNITEN especially,,, maybe that time was my first time trying to adopt with "external" citizen of outer "world".... and so, Allah wanted me to learn something. and "expand myself contribute to the nations... and thats why i has been "written" to be a teacher whose job is to speak and contribute... alhamdullilah... Allah's plans would never cruel towards His creations unless they are trying to ruin themselves in some ways...

sometimes, i remembered Sahrul, someone who has the greatest spirit of leadership and confidence. don't we want that???.... sometimes, when i recalled, i remembered how "nothing" i was before.... compared to others all around me.... sometimes, as the exams comes to an end, i used to listen and observe and examine how could... how could the song Pieces be so rude to me? sometimes, i fell because of it... i have been waiting.... waiting for something i dont really know,,,never know... waAllahua'lam...

stepping down

I felt like ive stepped down today… infact, yesterday… I saw Syafiq Sulaiman, I heard him speaking (always actually)… I became very shy of myself… that’s why I did follow him through his home with his Indonesian friend just now. But he has the spirit while I am not… that made me feel extremely lonely here… years ago, while I felt alone, Joe has been my first victim to talk to…at least I went to my sisters and brothers making some jokes that would make me very very much happier… but now, everything has changed… only those who are opened minded could survive while being abroad… however, I should not blame for my action of watching Tazkirah Ustaz Azhar VERY OFTEN… and I would not,,, but sometimes, somethings whispered to me “ how could you improve your English if you kept watching those Tazkirah videos”… sometimes, I felt that deep whisper came from Syaiton… is it wrong to very often watch such youtube videos??????... Syafiq Sulaiman… he got so many friends… no doubt about that…

some comments on the recent "khat" competition...

definitely, saper2 yang bace post kali mmg bakal terkejut...

for the sake of other participants... for all actually... ana nak sound saper2 yang anjurkan aper2 pertandingan, please TAKE NOTE what i am going to say...

firstly, dlm menentukan saper yang bakal menang satu2 pertandingan mestilah diteliti betol2...
bagi saper2 yg x arif pasal khat, just jangan melibatkan diri dlm men"judge" whos going to win...
PLEASSSSSSSSSS! kiter bukannyer xde juri yang ariff... pak2 Arab kn ade... kiter kn ade IMAM SHEIKH RAFAT... so, whats the risk????? bukannyer susah. diorang lebih tahu psl seni2 khat..

secondly, dlm pertandingan khat, KEUTAMAAN mesti diberi AT MOST on WHAT TYPE OF KHAT he or she performed... because seni khat ada special dye... seni khat x same ngn seni melukis poster... because saper2 pn boleh lukis n mewarna... even budak2 pn boleh...

seni khat orang nak tgk seni keindahan tulisannya samade seseorang itu berjaya mengikut/menulis jenis tulisan yang dh sedia ade atau x. because in seni khat, we HAVE A LOT OF NAMINGS with regards to every type of khat performed originally. ONE CANNOT CREATE SUCH KHAT THAT HE OR SHE WANTS IT TO BE... mane buleh!!!! because we already have their own types.....

to be sincere, i object such judgement made in todays khat competition...
bukannk kater ana ni pandai judge, the fact is that if we are not ARIF, then why dont we just pass it to those who really are???

for bakal2 guru, just make sure nothing like what i am experiencing here happen in your future schools... REMEMBER THAT!!! because PESERTA PUN ADE PERASAAN JUGAK... for all penganjurs persembahan or pertandingan, PLEASEE TAKE NOTE... wallahua'lam

UNEXPECTED conservation... Ya Allah... Aku sujud PadaMU...

Ya Allah…
Just now I finished my Math tutorial class. I have met one guy coming from somewhere and sitting and joining my tutorial group.

Ya Allah,
He was so nice, he was so fluent in explaining everything about what did Islam mean in accordance to one question thrown by one of the members… a Maori woman(a girl) actually…

Ya Allah,
I was so ashamed of myself….

Ya Allah,
That woman( a girl student) was so exciting about Islam and that she endlessly threw lots and lots of questions following the upcoming Ramadhan that all Muslims are fasting in 30 days time. The conservation started when that guy said he is going to fast next couple of days… and as soon as the words were thrown… the girl replied: What???? “Fasting about 30 days! You are going to die!”… and the matured guy explained very very nicely about how that fasting going to work… and so forth… it was so deeply that I never expected….
Ya Rahimmm…

Ya Allah,
Although we did not finish that tutorial questions provided by the tutor, I really really proud of him…I am proud of having that kind of Muslim friend (though meeting him for just one hour). He was explaining all things with regard to many things about Islam.
I remembered: the girl asked: “ do you believe in Jesus”… and the guy replied… “Yes, because he was one of the prophets… and we believed in all KITAB … Quran… Injil… Taurah… Zabur…” Ya Allah, I never expected that the girl was too excited about Islam…
And for the guy, JAZAKUMULLAHU KHAIRAN…
WA YARHAMKALLAH… please protect him in this life and hereafter…
Wallahua’lam..

amazing!!!!!!!!!!!! that was pretty much,MAN!!!!! Orang Arab kecek klate... aWeSoMe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was surprised by one’s talk… he speaks kelantanese!!!!!! What!!!!!!!! An Arabic person who was born in Qairo can speak very very very very WELLLLLLL!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!.
I suppose you all watch what he is doing in that video. He is throwing KELANTANESE wordddddddddddddddd!!!!! Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart is broken..!!!!! If Allah has given him more or less 9 years to be trullyyyyyyyyyy a native speaker, LEARNING ENGLISH SHOULD BE TAKING LESS than that, isn’t it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… If by memorizing 10 Malay words a day could transform him from an Arabic native speaker to a Kelantanese nation, why not ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... this video I would put into my heart, just as he put himself into that situation…
Again, and again, my deep heart is broken apart. Pieces are everywhere. IT BLOWS UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAS HE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! subhanallah…………………………….Ya Allah…

Couple of days before my final paper, I was searching pet shops all over Auckland area. But, I have yet found one which is the closest one. I was dying days by days, getting nothing to do. Unlikely, in the previous years and months and days, at least guppies and birds had been my friends over the whole year… it was 4 years more or less, I was playing around with some birds and fishes. And now, nothing… one ever said to me, the last couple of months, as this is your first time living in New Zealand, at least you should have a hobby held in your mind. His saying was definitely true, no doubt about it… his saying is true! I realized. No matter what I liked, I will never be able to have raring pets, fish …etc.. because we live in here.,... in one of hall of residents… I am afraid… I will become a person no one would never imagine before. Nauzubillah…

Ya Allah… I miss Sani Express so much… I need transport to wander around… alone… I need couple of hours to breath and look around the greenery… I need grass and mountains because they are all being very kind towards me… I used to board ‘it’ long time ago… long time ago… Ya Allah… I don’t know what to do… I need to be alone,,, because that made me appreciate myself … I was thinking…

exams!

Today I will have maths paper and …stats tomorrow. I wonder what kind of questions will be asked… In fact, we all wonder… hehe. All the best for those who are sitting for the exams today, tomorrow and days after tomorrow onwards… all the best!

some beta and guppy fish...

they are so amazing!!!

way...

there has been a long time i do not touch the word 'memories'... maybe the time has changed me... maybe the time has brought me to other paths that i do not know... maybe the time has gone too fast that so many things accumulate in my head at the faster rate... maybe i must learn ... maybe there has been too many assignments works to be sorted out... maybe it is time to learn to appreciate... maybe appreciating is not enough... maybe i may find my way... my own way... exactly one... some days.

a Queen who has lost in all battles...

This is what we called ‘life’… I found it is a nice phrase… my apologies Naemah, because I take your phrase without your permission… hehe…
More or less half year ago, I felt like everyone… my sisters and brothers... Mom and Dad… I felt like I was one of them where each of us needs each other… but it was months ago…it was long long moons ago….

‘Now’ is not as before…

When I was gone among them… when I left my family…. When I have last met my sisters and brothers… when I last saw them, everything has changed… truly changed
I am no more in my home… every new things has come and replaced the old one. I have no more responsibility, driving Mom and the whole family,… no more… I have no more actions to complete words from my Mom…

Like a Queen who has lost in battles…

And now…
Everything has changed..
because life must be continuous…
everything will change…
more and more change…
I will see…
and
be grateful…
astaghfirullahal’zim…

Ya Allah…. I don’t know what to today… right now…tomorrow….next weeks… I have been very gloomy this whole week… and last week… and last last week… I don’t know what to do…Ya Allah… the Most Merciful and… Tuhan Maha Pemudah Cara…